had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
