I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
