if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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