He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
