im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
