so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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