theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
