How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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