I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
