I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
