btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
