Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
