Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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