Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
