the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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