I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
