i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
