im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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