Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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