I didn't shave. On purpose
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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