Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
