I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
