I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
