Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
