What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
