I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
