I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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