Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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