remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm jealous of your bromance
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
