i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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