watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
