I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
