I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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