i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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