I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
