i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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