I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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