I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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