the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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