did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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