Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
