Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
