i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
