VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
