Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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