So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
