He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
