i permit you to call me
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
