i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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