Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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