can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
