1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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